After doing some thinking, I decided to accept the challenge, I went to the Be Bona Fide website and found this nifty free downloadable print, all I had to do was write, or in my case type out my confession & post it to my Instagram tagging #bonafideconfessions. And guys, it’s kind of a big one…
I don’t want to be a nurse (GULP), ya, you read that right. Let me start out by saying that this in no way effects the care that I provide to my patients & families. Just because I have no desire to continue on this track that I originally chose to take, does not mean that I don’t care, advocate & love my patients…it just means- my dharma has ended.
Why? I’m sure you’re all wondering why I went into nursing in the first place, if a mere three years after graduating I am looking for a way out. Many of my family members and friends look at me like I’ve lost my marbles. Maybe I have…
Well, long story short- I felt like I had no other reasonable options for a career. I had gone to college thinking I wanted to be a Spanish Teacher (hahahaha…ya not so much…), then design popped into my life. I thought I could do interior design, then fashion design, I went to two different schools chasing this dream. Only to have that dream extinguished, how could I be a fashion designer? Especially when the design school I was attending told me that, being a fashion designer was not a practical goal to set – yup, that really happened. Talk about deflating my balloon. I looked at the instructor & asked her why I was attending fashion school, if my end result wouldn’t be fashion design?! Mind blown & heart broken.
I sat there in class with my squashed dreams, contemplating what the hell I was doing at this school if I wasn’t going to get what I dreamed of. I just wanted to design clothing, sew it & see it walking down the runway… or shoot walking around Walmart would have been okay with me! But, this my friends, seemed entirely unreachable; I’d have to move, leave the life I’ve always known to go to Chicago or New York on a WHIM. There would be no guarantees that after all the years, time, money, sweat & tears I put into this dream of mine, that I would be successful or make any money for that matter.
I had, since I graduated high school worked in the hospital. I started by cleaning floors, helping to feed patients. I quickly decided I wanted to learn more, and began doing more patient care, taking vital signs and assisting nurses. I was good at it. I found that I had great instincts as a healthcare worker, and I functioned well in emergency situations. I was lucky enough to get a job in the Emergency Department as a technician. I mastered IV starts & blood draws, CPR, ECGs & other tasks that were required of me. I worked in Emergency for 6 years!
The decision had been made, I was going to go to nursing school, it was the only valid choice that I felt I had. I was good at my job, patients liked me & at the time I enjoyed what I did. I applied for nursing school, as I waited to be accepted, I soon found myself dabbling in sewing again.
The day I received my acceptance letter to nursing school, I cried. Not out of happiness, but because I didn’t want to go. You see I had started to follow my dream of sewing, upcycling & creating wonderful things that people liked & wanted more of! I felt like I had this little seedling of a dream & it needed more water & love to grow. Nursing school felt like a heavy weight that was suffocating my dreams all over again.
Now fast forward three years, I am a graduate nurse! I jumped through all the burning hoops in anguish…honestly I hated everything about nursing school. But, with my bachelors degree under my belt I decided that my place was not Emergency, it was Pediatrics. I applied to a program at a highly recognized children’s hospital & out of 200+ applicants, I was selected to be a part of residency program of 20. If I was going to be a nurse, than I wanted to care for babes. I was so excited for this opportunity.
Sadly, all my hopes and dreams were smothered out, as I was a victim of intense Lateral Violence. Bullied by the nurses I worked with because I am an advocate & rule follower. I cried every night I had to work, then cried every morning as I drove home. Pure misery! I had tried so hard to make it into this program & hospital, how could this be happening!? My Director was negligent & took my concerns with other staff members as me being the problem. The harassment & bullying reached new levels & I was scared to walk to my car without a buddy with me! Yes, it got that bad. I climbed my chain of command with my concerns & my Director eventually was walked out of the facility. I thought my problems would soon be solved with new management coming in. I was wrong. At this point, it had been a whopping 6 months, and I needed out! My manager from Emergency heard of my troubles & offered me a job in the department. It took me about 5 minutes to decide- yes I was leaving my dream to go back to all I’ve ever known, Emergency.
Emergency was my comfort zone, I had worked there for soooo long, but damnit- it’s not what I wanted. I did a year, then transferred to pediatrics. I have quickly found, that no matter where I go, I’m not going to be content with my job.
There will be Lateral Violence, laziness, individuals who could care less about the patient & their role in caring for them. There will be more changes in healthcare & reimbursement. Changes in patient & nurse ratios. Administration breathing down your neck. Conglomerates monopolizing healthcare. It’s just tainted for me. I find I am frustrated daily. I get angry & it shows. I just want out, in the worst way.
Don’t get me wrong, like I said, I am a great nurse- you can ask the many patients I have touched, whether it be saving their lives, holding their hand, taking away their pain, or just listening… I advocate for my patients (and am well aware that sticking my neck out for the patient’s sake usually has it’s downfalls, as I have been labeled a tattle tail & complainer, even called negative…but it’s not about me, its about making it better & safer for them.)
Is it so awful to throw up my hands and say I’ve just had enough?! White flaggin’ it over here guys. Let me off this ship, I don’t want to fight this battle anymore. Give me an abundance of fabrics, dyes, yarn, needles & thread… this my friends is what I want for my life. I will one day get there, because when I want something, there isn’t much that can keep me away from it.
Peace, Love & Tie Dye,